Not Enough
by Bjafi
Summary: HIATUS:: Max's feelings throughout the movie and afterwards. Max X Jude, kinda one-sided, kinda fluffy, kinda angsty. You know, all that fun sh*t. SLASH GAYNESS HOMOSEXUAL BOYS KISSING BOYS.... yeah lol.
1. All This Time

**Disclaimers: Don't own (damn), don't sue (please).  
A/N: So this was originally going to be a oneshot, but I may turn it into a series if there's high enough demand, so LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. I really just wanted a MaxXJude centric fic, focusing on Max's feelings throughout the movie. Oh!! One more thing!  
This is my fanfiction, so I have decided to pretend that Max does not have a mustache in the later scenes. The mustache is the single worst fashion choice in the WORLD, and **_**my**_** Max will not be caught with one.  
Anyways, please ENJOY!**

He'd been like this for a long time now, it seemed. A shell. An empty vase. The war had drained him; the hospital had almost killed him, and now he was living with his sister in a vacant apartment where the vestiges of someone he loved lingered in every corner. He knew that Lucy felt the same way, though she was much better at hiding it. She still smiled and laughed sometimes, but Max barely ever did anymore. Killing people for a cause he didn't believe in had been horrible, but he thought when he came home, his best friend would be there to comfort him.  
When Lucy told him that Jude had been deported, Max felt like he lost more of himself than when he shipped off to 'Nam. It was this, perhaps, that caused him to retreat so deeply into himself. Lucy thought it was all about the war.  
She didn't know what Max had really felt... all this time what he had really felt.  
Max didn't love Jude from the start. He thought they'd be friends for a while, get their kicks, and end up on opposite sides of the universe like it had always been with people before. He had no idea that the way Jude looked at Lucy would fill him to the brim with uncontrollable jealousy. He had no idea that he wouldn't feel protective of his fragile little sister, he would be jealous of her. Max had never been jealous of Lucy before. He'd never needed to. Now, though, they both wanted the same man, and that man was all over Lucy in a moment. Max tried to stop it, but what could he say?  
"She has a boyfriend."  
"That's all right."  
"She can do better."  
"Yer just being 'er brother."  
He couldn't say that he wanted Jude for himself. No, he couldn't even think it.  
Because Max had always loved women, and these new feelings, these strong, painful, regretful, heart-stopping feelings, didn't mesh with what he knew. It was crazy and cruel, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't reverse what Jude had done to him. He couldn't fall out of love.  
It had taken him a while to admit to the word "love." At first, he thought it was just his hormones acting up, then he thought it was all about curiosity. It wasn't until he looked past the physical attraction and into Jude's heart and mind that he realized how far he had fallen. Jude was a creative genius, an artist, a great friend, a fast friend, and as close as Max ever had to a brother. Except of course those feelings hanging in the air that were anything but brotherly.  
Max finally admitted those feelings to himself after ten shots of hard vodka, and he wondered how drunk Jude would get after he heard. That is, if Max was planning on telling him, which didn't seem like a good idea at first.  
Then, he found out that he was probably going to die in Vietnam, and everything changed. He felt like there was so much less time for everything, and he felt that he had to tell Jude, somehow, how he felt.  
His confession didn't go over quite the way he hoped, but every detail was still embedded in his battered brain. He wanted to remember that night forever, because it was the only one he would ever have.  
They were a little drunk, boozing and having fun at Sadie's show. All of them were caught up in the music, with the exception of two.  
Jude had spent the whole night staring at Lucy, and Max had been staring at Jude. He didn't mean to, really, but he couldn't take his eyes off him. It was something about the dim bar lighting and the way Jude's charcoal-covered fingers gripped the bottle of beer and lifted it to his lips. It was something about the heat in the air and the jealousy in Max's heart. He wanted to leave. But he wanted Jude to come too.  
Motioning to his friend, Max finally got his attention, and pointed toward the exit. Jude looked confused and a little disappointed, but followed, because Max was his best friend. "What's goin' on?" Jude asked, and Max smiled a little bit at Jude's accent, like he always did.  
"I just needed to get out of there, man," he responded, glad to finally have his Jude to himself. "I mean, I can only take so much of the crowd."  
"What're ye talking about?" Jude asked as they started to walk down the street. Hands in his pockets, he nudged Max with his shoulder. "Ye love crowds, mate. It's cause ye get all the girls."  
"Yeah, but lately..." He laughed nervously and scratched his head. Lately, he didn't want all the girls. And the one person he wanted, he wasn't going to get.  
There was a long pause, and when Max didn't go on, Jude sighed, removing one hand from his pocket and wrapping it around Max's shoulder.  
"Yer damn confusing, Max, but we love ye all the same."  
Max noticed the word "we" in place of the "I" he was hoping for. He noticed the nonchalant way Jude draped his arm, barely even touching. He noticed the meaninglessness in the word "love", but it set him off. He had longed to hear "love" from Jude's lips for too long now.  
Turning and blocking his friend's path, Max grabbed both sides of Jude's face, pulling his open mouth down and taking it in an instant. He felt the stubble under his thumbs and the strong, hard arms trying to push him away, but Jude's lips were so soft, and it was a sweet and pleasant feeling, even though it only lasted a moment. The Brit's strength won out and Max stumbled away, breaking contact of the hands and the lips and causing reality to come back to him.  
Max was mortified, but Jude was worse.  
"What the hell was that?"  
There was silence and all Max could do was stare at Jude wide-eyed.  
"I don't know," he finally answered.  
Another pause. Jude looked around, worried someone had seen, but the streets were deserted, and in this neighborhood, no one would have cared. No one but Jude.  
"I don't think ye should've done that."  
Max looked away, swallowing a hard lump.  
"I don't think I should've either."  
"Then why in the bloody hell did ye do it!?" Jude seemed to regret yelling the moment he quieted. He spoke again but with a much more gentle tone. "Why'd ye do it, Max?"  
"I just... Listen, Jude. I really don't want to get into this right now." He was grasping straws, trying to explain something away without explaining anything. "I just needed some human contact, okay? Just a kiss! I'm going to WAR, Jude... I wanted to be close to someone."  
"Yeah? Then why me?"  
He didn't have an answer for that. Why Jude? Because... He was all he wanted. Instead of speaking, Max just raised his hand to the side of Jude's face, watching the confusion play in his best friend's eyes. His fingers traced the slope of Jude's jaw, the bottom of his lip, then down again, snaking round the back of his neck.  
"Just wanted to be close," he whispered, and pulled Jude down again. This time, their lips touched shyly, molding together in a weak sort of compromise. Max would've given anything to taste the depth inside Jude's mouth, to bite his tongue and hold him tight, but Jude was cautious and concerned and didn't really want what he was giving.  
Still, when they moved away from each other, when Max nearly cried knowing that was as close as he was going to get, Jude grabbed Max's shoulder and held it tightly for a moment, forcing a little smile. "All right, Mate... All right," he said, and pulled Max in for an embrace. "Everything's gonna be all right."  
Max didnt' know what this meant, but he was in the arms of the man he loved, yes, loved, and he believed that everything would be all right, so long as it remained like this.

The dream didn't last.  
Two days later, he found Jude and Lucy asleep together. The sheets had fallen down, revealing a tantalizing glimpse of Jude's shoulder and chest, but there was a lipstick mark on his friend's neck, and the two lovers had their fingers laced together as they slept.  
"So that's how it is?" Max asked, though he already knew.  
Jude was always going to choose Lucy over him.

Now, though those days seemed so long ago, the pain was just as real, made even worse by the fact that he knew that wherever Jude was, he was unhappy. He was without Lucy. The thought of them together was crushing, but the thought of Jude being unhappy was even worse.  
They had been friends for a while, had their kicks, and ended up on opposite sides of the universe, just like Max had anticipated... but this was different. He would have given anything to have Jude by his side again, even if he was by Lucy's side as well.  
He didn't tell Lucy when he wrote Jude a letter. He didn't want her to know why he was writing it.  
The way he saw it, he had lost everything. Half of him had died in Vietnam, and the other half was wasting away without Jude. Even if Jude came back for Lucy, to marry her and father her children and be nothing but a brother to Max, he would be okay. He wouldn't be happy, but he would be okay. As long as Jude could be happy and Lucy could be happy and Jude could be home with him.  
"Come home," the letter said.  
Jude responded a week later with the four simple words, "I'm on my way."

When Max saw Jude again, he forgot all the pain he'd suffered, forgot all the unrequited feelings. All that mattered was his best friend holding him tight and smiling with the pure joy of their reunion. This was the one moment that was completely unsoiled by Lucy's shadow. This was all about them. For the first time in months, Max found it hard to stop smiling as he walked Jude to his taxi.  
"Ye'll have to fill me in on what's been goin' on, mate!" Jude said excitedly as he got into the car. "Tell me about Lucy."  
At this, the grin faded from Max's face. Lucy? Already? He hoped he would have a little longer to pretend that his sister wasn't part of this fucked up equation, but she was all Jude could think about.  
It killed him.  
"Don't worry, Judey, you'll see her soon enough."  
There was silence for a long time, and after a few moments, they both spoke at once,  
"So ye--"  
"I've been thinking--"  
They laughed and Jude motioned for Max to go first. He faltered a bit, smile fading, and he found it hard to begin. "Well, erm... I've been thinking about that night..."  
Jude looked over at him calculatingly, and Max pretended to be concentrating on the road. "What night?"  
Max took in a breath, thought for a moment, then started again, "You remember that night at Sadie's show, before I went to 'Nam, and we left early. You remember how we... Well, _I_--"  
Jude glanced away, running a hand through his shaggy hair. "I didn't think ye were gonna bring that up."  
"So... So you remember." Max tried to fake a laugh, to act uninterested, but he was putting everything he had left into speaking his mind. If there was a chance, even a small chance that Jude could return his feelings, he had to know before he handed the man he loved back over to his sister. "Well, when I-- I kissed you--"  
"Max!" This time, Jude's eyes held no indecision or laughter or anything but anger. "That wasn't about me, that was about the war, right? Ye were afraid ye were gonna die, I get it, but we don't have te talk about it!"  
That was probably his answer right there, but he wasn't going to let it go. He couldn't let it go. "It was more than that, Jude. A hell of a lot more."  
"Red light." Jude said quietly, and Max screeched the car to a halt, muttering a curse before taking a deep, long breath.  
He stared at the road. "I love you, man." he half-whispered, swallowing hard and hoping his nerves didn't show. Jude paused, collected himself, and put a hand on Max's shoulder.  
"I love ye too, Max, but yer confusin love with _love_. Ye don't love me like Lucy does."  
Max clenched his teeth and shoved Jude's hand away, feeling the pain overflow, threatening to spill into his mouth and out his lips in a slew of unneeded words. "You're right, Jude. You're goddamn right."  
"Green light," Jude whispered, but Max didn't care. He shifted the car into park and ignored the honks and shouts that came from behind him. Jude seemed worried.  
"You're _goddamn _right I don't love you like Lucy does. I love you more than either of your happy little heads can imagine. You were the only thought that kept me alive in 'Nam. You were the only person who I imagined coming home to. You're the only person who can make me smile, the only person I'm _happy _with, and you're the only one, the fucking _only one_, who can hurt me like this! I mean LOOK AT ME!" He was shouting now, frantic, gesturing to his disheveled clothes and unshaven chin. "I'm a mess! You're goddamn right I don't love you like she does. She runs off with some fucked up revolutionary the second she gets the whim--"  
"That's not fair."  
"She keeps you at arms length, doesn't understand what you're trying to say or do--"  
"Stop it, Max!"  
"She breaks your heart over and over again, never sends you a fucking letter--"  
"THAT'S ENOUGH."  
Max pressed hard on the gas and they shot off through the stoplight, now turned yellow. He didn't even realize where they were going or how fast, all he knew was that Jude's eyes were wide and scared and he was looking at Max as though he were crazy. Max didn't want to look him in the eye, didn't want Jude to see that he was about to let tears roll down his cheeks. He didn't want Jude to know how much pain he was feeling.  
"Max... I... I'm in love with yer sister. Ye know that."  
"Yeah."  
He sped up, ignoring pedestrians and stop signs.  
"And yer my best mate, ye know that too."  
"Yeah." Neither of them said anything for a few minutes after that.  
Finally, Jude spoke up. "Max, stop the car."  
Max looked at his best friend, seeing the pity and sadness in Jude's eyes. His beautiful eyes. He thought briefly that he would probably do anything Jude asked him to right now.  
Without a word, he slowed, pulled the car into an empty space on the side of the road, and turned it off. It rumbled for a moment before leaving the two in complete silence.  
"Ye have te understand, Max. If I-- I mean, If I left Lucy for ye, and somethin happened between us, somethin bad, I wouldn't have ye as a friend anymore, _and_ I wouldn't have Lucy. I can't risk losing all this."  
"So you're playing it safe."  
Jude paused, then with a pitifully ashamed look on his face, he nodded. "Well, Yeah. I can't be with ye and risk our friendship or everything I've got with Lucy. I can't let ye both go."  
So it wasn't because he didn't love him. He never said he couldn't return Max's feelings. He never said he was disgusted or mad. This gave Max a glimmer of shameful hope. "But, what if nothing bad happened? What if we were together, really together, and we stayed that way?"  
"I'd still be losing Lucy, Max."  
"So that's what it comes down to, right? Which one of us you're willing to toss aside?"  
"Max," Jude appealed, trying to smile at his friend. "If I stay with Lucy I won't be losing you, right? I mean, we can still be best mates!"  
Max looked at Jude squarely in the eyes, trying so hard to force the stubborn Brit to listen to what he was saying. "No, Jude... We can't. I thought I could stand it if you loved her and not me, but..." he smiled sadly, shrugging. "but I can't. I can't bear to see you with her when I want you so bad for myself."  
"Max..." Jude said again, raising a hand to run through Max's hair. "Max, I can't..."  
Max tried to smile, but instead a grimace found its way to his lips. He was holding back tears. "I know. I know you can't, and it's been eating me up all this time. I shouldn't have expected anything, but I wanted you to... to know... before you went back to Lucy. I wanted you to know."  
Jude's hand was still stroking Max's hair, and his gentle artist's fingers made their way down to the back of his friend's neck. He pulled Max in close over the divider between their seats, and touched their foreheads together. Max was practically dying with the distance between their lips.  
"Max, ye know yer gonna be my best friend forever. ye've just gotta let yerself forget that ye... ye want me like that."  
He took a shuddering breath, shaking from nerves and repressed tears. "You said that you couldn't leave Lucy for me. I understand. Now I'm telling you something _I_ can't do. I _can't_ forget that I love you." Jude was about to pull away, but Max brought his hands to rest on Jude's shoulders, holding him in place. "I love you."  
He shouldn't have done what he did next, but he couldn't help himself. With half-lidded eyes, he closed the last little distance between them, pressing his lips to Jude's and tasting what he had only tasted once. After all the things he had said, one would think that Jude would have stopped the kiss before it started, but he didn't. Max thanked God he didn't. Instead, Max felt the other's lips begin to press closer as well, press harder. He felt Jude's fingers curl in his hair and suddenly their mouths were open in a gasp for air. It should have ended then, but for once, Max was getting what he wanted. Jude's lips were there for the taking, and he wanted them again. So he fisted his hands in Jude's shirt and pulled him so close to himself that it felt as though they would mesh, become one for a moment. Their mouths certainly did. Jude didn't object, in fact, the way his tongue battled with Max's for dominance, for a desperate taste of the other's mouth, it seemed he loved this almost as much as Max did. He was hungry for it, passionate for it, and while Max noticed Jude's hands wandering down his body, he wondered why, if it could be like this, would he stay with Lucy? When next they came up for air, Jude gasped and stopped his hands from sliding down Max's chest. Instead, he pushed his friend away. "Max!" the way he said it was harsh and quick, and Max winced, looking betrayed and hurt.  
Jude was panting a little when next he spoke, still reeling from the effect of their kiss. "I don't know what ye want from me."  
This was the last straw for Max, the last mixed signal, the last sign from God that they weren't meant to be together. "I have been..." he started, clenching his teeth and fists with the pent up frustration, "I have been _nothing_ but honest with you, Jude. Nothing but _fucking _honest! You say you don't know what _I _want?! That's a load of bullshit, cause I think the real problem is that you don't know what _you_ want." He settled back in his seat, touching his own lips for a second before shaking his head and turning the key in the ignition. "You might want to give that a thought before you go running back to what's easiest."  
He didn't look at Jude for the rest of the car ride. He couldn't bring himself to. He wanted to apologize and for a second he almost did, but then he realized something he should have figured out a long time before.This was Jude's fucking mess. _Max _was Jude's mess...  
And there was so much to clean up.


	2. Rock Bottom

**A/N: Wow, the response was freakin automatic! I'm glad you guys want me to continue this story, cause I can't seem to stop myself from writing it! lol! This chapter makes me mad because I hate Lucy a LOT, and I'm trying to write her as a good person. (it's more difficult than one might think lol!)  
Anyways! Please review! I love you guys! **

Everything had gone according to plan. The rooftop, the reunion, the lovers back together again. It had been Sadie's plan and Jude's plan. Even Max knew this was the way it should be, but no matter how he congratulated the happy couple, their being together brought him no joy. Jude knew. Jude saw the pain it caused Max when he held Lucy's hand. He saw the fake smiles and felt the stiff hugs. And he said nothing. He acted as though the whole conversation and kiss in the car hadn't happened. Max couldn't stand it. Everyone else was too caught up in the celebratory party that night to notice him sulking. So when he retreated to his room to pack his few things together, he didn't think anyone would follow. He wanted to leave Lucy and Jude's apartment immediately... because every moment with them together was killing him. As he stuffed his old duffel bag with ratty shirts and a couple old records, he heard his sister's voice. "What're you doing, Max?"  
He thought for a moment about turning around, but decided against it. He couldn't bear to look at Lucy right now. "I'm gonna stay with Prudence and Rita for a few days."  
He heard her lean against the door frame and sigh. "And after that?"  
For a long time, Max didn't answer. He simply continued stuffing things into his bag. He didn't know what he was going to do, really, but he wasn't going to let Lucy know that. He just knew he couldn't stay here.  
"That's my shirt," his sister informed him quietly as he was nearing the end of his pile of clothes. He held it up, noticing the floral pattern and buttons on the wrong side. He tossed it in the bag anyway. Lucy laughed a little, coming to stand beside him. His bag was laying on the bed, nearly full. She touched it.  
"You don't think that because Jude's back you have to leave, right? You're always welcome here, Max."  
He tried not to sound bitter when he spoke. "I wouldn't want to ruin your happy little home. No girl wants her crazy brother to stay with her and her fiancee. And if you decide to have kids..."  
"Max, you're thinking too much. Can't you just stay for a while, make sure you're really ready to leave before you do? You're my brother. You're Jude's best friend! We _want _you here."  
He shook his head with an exasperated sigh and a clench of his teeth. "Jude doesn't know what the hell he wants," He muttered under his breath. Lucy knew he had said something, but she didn't ask him to repeat.  
She sat down on the bed, glancing at the bag beside her. "I've never seen you like this, Max. I would think, now that Jude's home... You'd be happy, right? Is there anything at all I can say or do?"  
He looked at her, really looked at her for a second, and pushed his bag aside, sitting beside her and resting a hand on hers. "Here's what you can do for me Luce. You can go back out there and hold your lover's hand. You can laugh and smile and show how glad you are that he's back. You can tell everyone your wedding plans and when they all go home tonight, you can make love to him like you never want to lose him again. You can promise me that every moment you spend with Jude will be cherished and special and you won't take him for granted. Not again. That's all you can do for me, Luce, okay? That's _all_ you can do."  
"What's this about, Max?" she asked, and she seemed genuinely worried. "I mean, why--"  
He stood, ignored the rest of the stuff he was planning on packing and zipped up the bag. With a deep breath, he hoisted it on his shoulder, all of his belongings, and smiled sadly at his sister. " You know me, Luce. Never one to beat around the bush." He held up his hands in a sign of surrender. "I'm in love with your damn boyfriend." She blanched. "I'm going crazy watching you two play the happy couple, and I'm really not leaving to give you two your privacy or whatever. I'm leaving so I can get that stupid Brit out of my head and get used to the idea of you two being together again." He shrugged at the dumbfounded look on his sister's face and touched her shoulder gently. "I'll call or something."  
"Max..." But he had already strode out of the room, not wanting his sister to see his moment of weakness, the tears that threatened to spill. It wasn't hard for him to sneak out with everyone fussing over Jude, but he thought he saw his friend's eyes catch his the moment before he left. He ignored the pull to stay and continued out the door.  
He wasn't really going to stay with Prudence and Rita, though it might not have been so bad rooming with the lesbians. No, Max didn't know where he was going to sleep tonight, but he headed for his Taxi parked across the street.  
A voice stopped him in the middle of the deserted road.  
"Are ye bloody kiddin me, Max?"  
Silently, he pleaded with Jude to go back inside, to leave him alone, but it wasn't working. He didn't hear Jude walking away, all he heard was the sound of his own heartbeat. "No, Jude, I'm not kidding." He turned, shrugging and letting his bag fall onto the asphalt. "You chose her again, even after all that shit earlier today, and frankly, I'm sick to death of it. I've just gotta get outta here and get the fuck away from you for a while."  
Jude walked toward him, and ignored the fact that they were standing directly where a car could hit them. His beautiful brown eyes were begging for Max to stay. "Max, ye can't just leave. Yer my best--"  
Max let out a noise of utter frustration, causing Jude to pause. Holding his head in his hands, he practically growled out his next words. "I Know. I KNOW. I'm your 'best mate' and you can't stand to lose me and all that shit again. If any of that were true, you would have at least considered my feelings for more than a minute!"  
"I--"  
"NO, Jude. My turn to talk. Listen, you've got my sister and all your friends waiting for you. You've got everything you need just up those stairs. So get out of the street, go back to your apartment and leave me ALONE."  
Jude moved closer to his best friend, even as Max tried to move away. "Max--"  
"I said LEAVE ME ALONE!"  
Max was used to doing stupid things. He was practically known for it, but his actions now were the crown jewel of idiocy. As his friend, the man he loved, tried to grab his wrist to make him stay, Max threw a punch right into the smarmy Brit's nose, hearing a crunch and feeling warm blood splatter his fist. Maybe he just needed to get out his anger, but that wasn't an excuse. Jude reeled backwards, looking at Max as though he'd betrayed him. The feeling was mutual.  
"What the bloody hell do ye think yer doin?!"  
Max's fingers were still clenched and he glanced at his fist, then back at his friend's bleeding nose. "I don't really know, but it felt damn good." Max shrugged off his jacket, now holding both fists where Jude could see them. "I kinda want to do it again."  
Jude glared, eyes filled with a fire that Max hadn't seen before. He was glad he could coax such a look from a man who only seemed to respond to one person. "I'll fight ye, Max, if that's what ye really want, but I think yer bein an idiot."  
Max knew that already. He knew he was being an idiot. But hell, he'd hit rock bottom. He figured he might as well dig a little deeper. "Are you gonna talk or are you gonna hit me like a real man?"  
Jude's response was a fist to the stomach, an automatic reaction to Max's childish teasing. Max found himself laughing as he choked. "That's more like it you pansy ass--" another punch, this one to the Jaw, and now Max wasn't laughing, wasn't talking. Now, Max was fighting him right back, hitting every inch of his friend he could find, landing a solid punch on Jude's eye just as a fist connected with his own. He was aware of some shouting, some pleas to stop, but they weren't coming from the two fighters. He felt two strong hands grab him and pull him away, and he glanced up to see Jo-Jo's face staring disapprovingly down at him. He didn't feel ashamed. Someone had grabbed a hold of Jude as well, and Lucy was the one who had been screaming.  
"What the hell is WRONG with you two?!"  
"Ask him!" Jude shouted trying to gesture to Max, though his hands were being held behind his back. "yer brother's bein a goddamn asshole, and yer just gonna let him go!"  
Lucy slapped Jude across the face and everyone quieted for a moment. "As if you don't know why," she snarled, then turned to her brother. He shook Jo-Jo off of him and rubbed his eye, feeling it bruise. Lucy walked toward him and motioned for Jo-Jo to leave them alone. He started to usher people inside, but Jude stayed put, rubbing his gut where Max had landed a few hits and trying not to feel too contrite. After all, this had all been Max's idea.  
Lucy leaned in close to Max, wrapping her arms around him and holding him tightly, closing her eyes against tears. "I had no idea, Max," she whispered, and he embraced her cautiously. "I had no idea you were hurting so much."  
He didn't want to cry, but the way Lucy buried her own tear-stained face in his shirt, and the way he saw Jude over her shoulder, staring at them, he couldn't stop himself. For the first time, the tears overflowed, and his arms tightened around his sister. He closed his eyes against the blur, and when he opened them again, Jude was gone. A fresh wave of tears overtook him, and they stood like that for a long time, a brother and sister in a deserted street, relying on each other like they always had.  
"I'm sorry, Luce," Max whispered, "But I love him so much."  
She didn't say anything, just tightened her hold for a moment before pulling away, wiping her tears and her running makeup. She still had a grip on his shoulders and was staring up into his eyes.  
"You know I only want you to be happy, Max, but..."  
She didn't have to say it. Max knew. She wasn't willing to give Jude up. Maybe that meant that Max loved him less, because he was going to let Jude go if it meant that the two people who mattered most to him in the world could be happy. Or maybe that meant he loved him more. He couldn't think straight anymore.  
Pulling Lucy's hands from his shoulders, he knelt, picked up his abandoned bag, and turned back to his taxi. "I'll call or something," he said again, and limped across the street, finally making it to the other side where his ticket out of here was parked. As he started the ignition and drove slowly away, he didn't let himself look in the rear-view mirror.


	3. Trouble In Paradise

**A/N: Dude... I am CRANKING THESE OUT! I don't want you guys to get the wrong idea. I usually don't write this quickly. Usually it's a week between updates at the very least, but this is like three updates in two days. Wow. AND I have the next chapter written. I have no idea what's goin on... Ah well, not complaining! Anyway, this chapter you see Lucy in her underwear, because much as I hate Lucy, she's damn hott. For all you readers not into girls, don't worry. Max gets a shower scene next chapter. lol! I love fanfiction.  
ANYWAYS! Thank you to Takemeorleaveme2010, Mypersonalsun, and Krissy7p for reading and reviewing!! You guys rock my damn socks off. I think we will become quite good friends throughout this story! Love and Hugs to all!**

The bathroom ceiling had become pretty boring since Jude had started staring at it, but Lucy told him not to tilt his head down lest the nosebleed start up again, so here he was, sitting on the toilet seat with a tissue stuck up his nose and a bag of ice on the counter beside him. It had been on his black eye, but he didn't need it. Lucy always seemed to worry too much. She'd sent their friends home, said sorry and told them that Max and Jude were just having a little tiff. They'd be over it soon enough. That's not what they were concerned about though. They'd all seen Lucy slap her fiancee, and rumors would be flying about their relationship being on the rocks even though he had just come home. Jude tried not to think about the rumors, because he had a feeling they'd be true after what he had to say to Lucy tonight.  
Jude reached up and touched his nose lightly, feeling it sting and twinge. He didn't even want to look in the mirror, he had a feeling he'd--  
"You look horrible." Lucy's voice completed his thought, and he looked toward the door. "Ah! tilt your head back, Jude! It'll start bleeding again!"  
"Stop yer fussin' Lucy, it's done."  
She sighed, kneeling in front of him and surveying the damage her brother had done. The little bathroom caused their silence to echo around them and it felt increasingly uncomfortable.  
"Are you going to tell me what you were fighting about?" She asked after a little while, acting like he was a child. Jude hated that.  
He didn't answer. She knew. Max had told her about his feelings for Jude. She had to know their fight had something to do with that, though to be honest, even Jude didn't really know why Max threw the first punch.  
"I don't know, Luce. I really dunno. Max is just--"  
"He's in love with you."  
Jude would have glared at her lack of tact, but he couldn't pull off very many expressions right now. His eye was swelling and there was still dried blood on his face. "I know that much. He's made it bloody clear."  
She took Jude's hand and began to stroke it, trying to soothe him. "Were you mad about that?"  
He jerked his hand away. "I'm tellin ye, Luce! I didn't start this. It was Max's idea to sock me in the face. I'm fine with... with everything." He meant to tell her how fine he was with it, actually. He meant to tell her that he had kissed Max earlier that day. He meant to tell her so he wouldn't have to live with this guilt hanging over his relationship, but he couldn't quite bring himself to do it. After all, he was in love with Lucy. What did a kiss matter if it meant nothing?  
Although he couldn't quiet the insistent voice in his head. _If it meant nothing, why can't you stop thinking about it?  
_ He would have shaken his head to banish the thoughts, but Lucy had a firm grip on the sides of his face and was making sure he didn't move too much. "You have to remember, Jude, how stubborn Max is," she said quietly, finally standing and giving Jude free range of motion again.  
"He's my best friend. I think I know."  
She didn't look at Jude when she left the little bathroom, and Jude wondered what was on her mind now. This issue hadn't been resolved, not by a long shot, and something was causing Lucy pain as well.  
"Luce," Jude said, standing and following her back into the main room. She was sitting at the kitchen table, staring at a bowl of strawberries, barely paying attention to him. He sighed and sat down across from her. Drumming his fingers on the imitation tile tabletop while he waited for her to speak. She didn't. "Luce, what's botherin ye?"  
She seemed to notice him for the first time, eyes widened as though she were surprised. "I was just thinking..."  
"Well that was obvious. What were ye thinkin about?"  
"I just... Max is really, really stubborn."  
Jude raised his eyebrows. Hadn't they been over this? "Yeah, and?"  
"And he's not just going to... to let you go."  
Oh. He knew where this was going. He wanted to just calm her down, but Lucy had to get it all out first. She had to _voice_ her fears before he could do anything about them, and he was afraid of what she was going to say.  
"He's going to try to take you away from me. I mean, I don't know that, but he might. He's done some crazy things for love and I can't even imagine what he'd do for you. Jesus, Jude! He doesn't just love you. You're his friend too. Of course he's going to want to keep you! I'm just scared to death--"  
"Luce..." He prayed she wasn't going to say--  
"You might leave me for him."  
That. He did not want her to say _that_. Because that little voice in Jude's head that kept bringing up the kiss was wondering the same thing. Would Jude ever leave Lucy for Max? _It wouldn't come to that,_ another part of him seemed to say. And Jude decided to listen to that one.  
"Listen, Luce. Max isn't gonna try te steal me away. He knows how much I love ye, and how much ye love me. He wants us te be happy more than anythin." She looked up at him with those red-rimmed eyes, so tired of crying, and he reached across the table to hold her hand. "And we are happy, aren't we?" She nodded and smiled slightly, swallowing against more tears. "Good," Jude said "Then we've nothin te worry about."  
As he closed his eyes and leaned forward to kiss her, he tried not to imagine who else he could be kissing like this right now, or where that certain someone was. He tried not to wonder who would be nursing Max's wounds and which bathroom ceiling he would be staring up at. He tried not to think about his friend sleeping in the car tonight, and he tried _so hard_ not to ask himself if Max was thinking about him, but he did. And as he pulled away from Lucy's lips, seeing her smile and wipe the unshed tears from her eyes, the guilt just got to be too much.  
"Ye know, Luce," he said before she had a chance to speak. "I think there's somethin I should tell ye."  
"Can it wait till morning?" she asked, though it was more of a statement than a question. "We've had a long day."  
He watched her stand and walk toward the bedroom, already shedding her pants and shirt as she went. It had been a long day, and Jude wanted more than anything to unwind with his fiancee and make love to her for the first time in a long time, but he couldn't do that without letting her know everything, and no, it couldn't wait.  
"I kissed yer brother," he called after her, wincing the second he said it. Lucy, down to her white bra and underwear at this point, turned around slowly. "Just once," he amended, hoping to make the shock easier, but then he realized his mistake, "Oh, well twice if ye count that one time, but I don't 'cause... Lucy?" She still hadn't come back into the room, and the shadow of the door frame was hiding her expression. She was a bit imposing, and Jude found himself scared of her for a moment. "Listen, Luce, it really wasn't anythin big." The little voice added, _though I kinda shoved my tongue down his throat, it wasn't_ _anything big_, _really it was like a friend kiss. Honestly. _He tried to make the voice shut up; it was making it harder for Jude to think.  
"When?" her voice came from behind the shadow, and Jude could detect no discernible emotion in it. He thought it best just to answer her. He looked at his hands. "once a while back, before 'e shipped off to 'Nam, an' once... once today."  
"Today?"  
"Aye."  
"Why?"  
"What?" he glanced at her, still unable to see her face.  
"Why did you kiss him?"  
This was one of those unanswerable questions like "why were you two fighting." He honestly didn't know what had possessed him to kiss Max, only that while he was doing it, it felt good. It felt right. When he didn't answer for a long time, Lucy walked out of the bedroom completely, putting her hands on her hips and allowing Jude to see the disappointment on her face. "Jude, why did you kiss him?"  
If he said the wrong thing here, he could be the one sleeping in a car tonight. If he said the wrong thing, he could lose Lucy to a simple kiss. If he said the right thing, though, he could be denying all of the feelings he had experienced in the taxi with Max just that morning. But if he said nothing, then nothing could be held against him, so that is what he did. He bit his nail, looked up at Lucy and shrugged.  
This was a bad idea. She turned on her heel, strode back into the bedroom, and slammed the door behind her. Jude could hear her putting her clothes back on behind the door and he let his already injured head fall upon the table. "Fuck," he said quietly, and glanced at the springy couch where he would be sleeping tonight. So much for his welcome home night. He knew he had ruined it himself, but he wanted to blame it all on Max. Max was the only reason he was even confused about his own feelings, and Max was the person he was going to have to talk to in order to clear them up.


	4. Paramour

**A/N: Hey guys! This chapter is a lot longer than the others, and I don't really know why... Maybe it's because I had to make Prudence a character. You know, an important character. If all goes as planned, she may even have something big to do with the storyline! We'll see! So yeah, Major fanservice in this chapter! The Max I'm writing is a bit of an exhibitionist sometimes... lol! Oh speaking of Max, I tried to make him more in character this chapter. I read krissy7p's comment, and girl, you were right. He's pretty OOC in this fic so far. I s'pose since it's a fanfiction I'm allowed to do that, but I love Max's character, so this time I tried to keep the angst but put his fun personality into it too. Let me know how I did!  
Anyways, thanks for the reviews! Love you guys!**

The sunlight caused him to stir, to shield his eyes and groan as the previous night's events caught up with him. It must've been mid morning if the bright rays of sun were any indication, and the streets of New York were alive and bustling once again. Max had decided to park somewhere downtown, a little ways away from Cafe Huh. He was too beat up last night to drive very far, and a part of him wanted to stay behind. All he wanted to do was go back to Lucy and Jude's house and apologize for everything, for causing so much trouble, for his feelings, but the lovers needed some time away from him, and he needed quite a bit of time away from them as well. As he sat up straight and his tired bones cracked, he noticed the passing pedestrians glancing into his window. He probably looked a mess.  
He felt the swelling in his black eye and the bruises popping up all over the rest of his body. Every inch of him was aching and sore, but he didn't mind as much as he thought he would. After all, Jude had done this to him, and he would've let Jude do anything.  
He let out a hollow, pathetic bark of laughter at his own stupidity, shaking his head and resting it on the steering wheel in front of him. What a grand fool he was being.  
A knock on the window startled him and he jumped, accidentally hitting the horn with his forehead and wincing at the loud noise and abrupt pain. Turning angrily to the window, he was ready to give whoever this motherfucker was a piece of his mind, that is until he saw that it was Prudence. He rolled the window down, rubbing the red mark on his forehead and squinting in the bright sunlight at his friend's face.  
She looked concerned. "Max?" she asked, as though she wasn't even sure it was him.  
"The one and only," he said with a yawn, a little annoyed at the way she was staring at him.  
"You look like--"  
"Like shit?"  
"I was gonna say like you got hit by a car, but that's about right too." She rested her arms on the door of the car and smiled a bit at him, though Max could tell it was pretty fake. "C'mon, lets get you some breakfast." He was _not_ interested in breakfast.  
"Not hungry," he said shortly, "But if you could find me a place to shave and shower, I'd love you."  
She giggled, standing up and opening his door. "You already love me, Max!"  
Stumbling out of the car with his duffel bag slung over his shoulder, Max straightened up and let the sun soak him. The night wasn't going to wash away easily, but the bright morning was already helping a great deal. Prudence smiled at the relaxed look on his face, placing a hand on his back to steer him toward her appartment. She and Rita didn't live too far away from there, so they began to walk, making their way through the slowly thickening crowd. Prudence grabbed his hand and dragged him along.  
"So about last night--"  
"I don't think we should talk about that," Max interrupted, though he knew that if he told anyone else about his feelings, it would have to be Prudence. Hell, she'd been there before. She knew what it was like to love someone of the same sex, and she had found love eventually. Maybe if Max talked to her, he could get some things straightened out. Get some advice. Or, if he talked to her, he could get a fat load of gossip started about him. It was really 50-50 with Prudence.  
She looked at him seriously and the frown on her face didn't fit. He was used to seeing her smiling. "I think we _should _talk about it. Something happened last night with you and Jude and Lucy. All of us are wondering--"  
"Well, I don't want to start any goddamn rumors. If I tell you anything, you'll tell Sadie and she'll tell Jo-Jo and he'll tell the rest of the guys and believe me, Prudence, I do not want them to know what last night was about."  
She didn't respond to him for a while, not until they reached the little loft that she and Rita shared, though the contortionist was currently out of the house. As she ushered him inside and pointed him toward the bathroom, she mumbled. "You could just ask me not to tell anyone. I wouldn't blab if you didn't want me to."  
Max looked at her for a second before going into the bathroom and closing the door, turning on the faucet full blast. He heard Prudence slide down the other side of the door and sit. "Maybe it'd be easier to talk through two inches of wood?" she asked loudly over the sound of the running water. He splashed his face, washed off the dried blood.  
"Yeah, a bit."  
"So do you wanna tell me or..?"  
His clothes fell to the floor and he stepped into the tub, twisting the knobs and letting the freezing water drench him. It felt good, loosened him up.  
"Listen, Prue," he said as he ran his hands through his dirty hair, feeling it all dripping down the back of his neck, "The only people who know are Jude and Lucy, so you've gotta keep it zipped, kay?"  
She agreed happily and he sighed. Somehow he could never deny Prudence when she wanted something from him. She was like another little sister to him, though at the moment he liked her considerably more than his real one.  
"See the thing is," He began, wondering how this would sound, "I'm only telling you this because you've been there before, you know, with Sadie."  
Prudence said nothing.  
"You've seen what I've been goin through firsthand. So basically what I'm saying is... I really..." He let the water wash down his bruised and battered body, sighing deeply. "I really like Jude. I love Jude. I want to be with Jude, but he..." Again, Prudence said nothing. "He doesn't really feel the same way." Geez this was awkward. For some reason, talking about this thing, buck naked with a lesbian on the other side of the door was a little bit off-putting.  
When she did speak, her voice sounded pitying and sad. "Of course he doesn't, Max." He didn't like her tone of voice. "He's in love with Lucy."  
"I know that, alright?!" He shouted turning off the water and grabbing the only towel from the rack by the toilet. "Everyone keeps REMINDING me."  
"Well, Max, I mean... if he were into that sort of thing, it would be different, right? But, he's obviously straight. It was the same with Sadie. I just had to give up on her after a while. And, hey! Look where I am now! I have Rita, and I'm happy. Jude won't be the only one for you."  
He unfolded the towel, noticed how small it was, and sighed exasperatedly, though it wasn't the towel that was making him frustrated. "D' you have anything bigger than this rag?"  
"Sorry," she said, though she didn't sound sorry at all. "Make do."  
He glared at the closed door and began to dry off, raking his fingers through his hair to straighten it out. "Anyways, I thought he was straight too, and I was more than ready to let him go off and marry my sister if that's what he wanted, but after we kissed-"  
"Hold up a sec!" she said in surprise, and he heard a thump where she must've smacked something against the door. It opened and Max rushed to cover himself with the wee towel, nearly slipping on the water.  
"JESUS, Prudence! Close the damn door!" She was standing, a look of shock on her face.  
"Max. He _kissed_ you?"  
Cautiously, he responded, "Well, I kinda kissed him, but he sure as hell didn't seem to object too much, now would you please close the door?"  
She put on a look of intense concentration and left the bathroom, leaving Max to dry himself off in peace. "Well that changes everything," she said loudly so he could hear, and was about to speak again when Max heard the ring of a phone in the background. "Ah, shit. I'll be back, Max! Hold that thought!"  
He didn't have a thought to hold on to. All he cared about right now was getting dry, getting clothed, and shaving off the stubble that was itching his face. He dug into his bag for the proper tools as he heard Prudence talking in muffled words a few rooms away. She was gone for a long time.  
When she knocked on the door again, Max was half-shaved and all-dressed, and he told her to come in. There was something on her mind. He could tell by the way she shuffled her feet and smiled a little, by the way she held her hands behind her back. She was like a little kid sometimes.  
"...What?" Max asked warily, lowering his razor and raising an eyebrow. Her small smile widened.  
"Jude's coming over," she said simply, and Max nearly choked.  
"What!? Does he know I'm here? Why the hell are you letting him--"  
"He's been looking for you!" she responded, getting a little big angry at his unwelcome reaction. "You should be grateful he's thinking about you! Now get shaved quick cause he'll be here really soon." She exited again and was about to close the door when she paused and said, "he sounded really worried, Max. He cares about you a lot." Yeah, Max knew that already. He knew Jude cared. He just wished the feelings were stronger. "And if he really didn't object too much to the kiss..."  
"Prue, drop it. He's with Lucy and I'm gonna have to get used to it. I really hope you're not getting any ideas in your head." She didn't answer. Raising the razor to his chin again, he decided he'd try to hurry. His appearance wouldn't make any sort of difference, he was sure, but he still wanted to look his best for Jude.  
He was just washing the rest of the shaving cream from his face when he heard the knock on the front door. Prudence zipped past the bathroom, almost too excited to seem natural. Max stopped her before she opened the door, buttoning his shirt. "Prue," he said quietly, "You aren't gonna try to... I dunno, get Jude and I together are you?" He hoped his friend couldn't hear them on the other side.  
Prudence smiled at him, patting his shoulder almost condescendingly. "Of course not, Max. I wouldn't dream of messing with other people's relationships."  
He didn't even come close to believing her, but he didn't have time to say another word. She flung open the door and revealed a sheepish-looking, black-eyed Jude, who's face lit up when he saw his friend was alive and well. Prue grinned. "Okay, boys, I'm headed off," she said the second Jude stepped inside.  
"What?" the two men spoke in unison.  
"Well, I've got... places to go. Things to do." Max nearly groaned aloud. She wasn't even trying to be subtle. She just couldn't wait to leave them alone together. "I'll be back in like... an hour or so." The girl made her exit quickly and left them looking uncomfortably at each other, wondering all the time what the other was thinking.  
"Listen, Max," Jude said first, leaning against the door as though he were afraid to come farther inside. "I'm sorry, about last night."  
Max shrugged, scratching his head and looking up at the ceiling. "Yeah, well, it's not like you hit me first. I'm cool if you're cool, man." He was trying to act like the fight was the subject of their conversation. Honestly, though, it ran a lot deeper than that.  
Of course, Jude understood that Max didn't really want to talk about it, but Jude did. He had to, so he brought it up again. "No, I mean I'm really sorry. I've been a bloody prick to ye."  
Well, Max wasn't going to deny that. "Yeah, yeah you kind of have, but I'm not mad or anything." Jude raised an eyebrow.  
"Really?"  
Looking around for a place to sit (he didn't know Prudence's apartment very well), Max motioned for Jude to follow him. They sat down across from each other in two plastic chairs near one of the windows. It gave Max a reason not to look at Jude. He could watch the people on the street below instead. So this is what he did as he began to talk, leaning back in his uncomfortable seat. "Y'see, Judey, I was fully prepared for rejection. You've gotta understand that." He shifted his eyes to Jude for just a moment to make sure the Brit was listening. "I was gonna tell you all the shit I've been feeling, you were gonna understand but say that you couldn't love me cause you love my sister, and I was gonna understand that too. That's how it all started, and it was going just as planned, though it still hurt like a bitch." He sat up straighter now, twiddling his thumbs and trying to keep his voice nice and calm. "_But_," he said with a bit too much emphasis. "But you had to go and switch it up on me, Jude. I wasn't ready for you to..." he paused, collecting himself. "the kiss. I wasn't ready for the kiss." At this, Jude looked away, crossing his arms as though trying to protect himself for something. In a way, he was. Max went on. "Now here I am, kinda like a lovesick schoolgirl, all giddy and shit, and then I realize that no, that kiss didn't mean you wanted to be with me, it meant that you were just a little confused and kinda horny. Now, let me tell you Judey, that doesn't feel so hot on my end. Then, I see you with Lucy, looking like that whole life is what you want, but every time you look at me, I see something completely different. At this point, I dunno what the fuck to think anymore, man. So after last night, I swear I'd give you up to Lucy if that's what you wanted, but I've got a sneaky suspicion that you're a bit more complicated than that. So if I'm gonna make the right move here, you'd better tell me what it is you want from me. Judey, I'm not mad at you, really. I'm just sick of your mixed signals. We'll be fine again if you just tell me how you really feel, kay? It's simple. It's quick, and we can do it right now."  
Jude shook his head, tonguing his cheek. In a sign of defeat, he raised his hands for a moment, then let them fall, unsure of how to speak what he really was feeling. "I can't do that, Max," he said, and his friend leaned forward, eyes on fire with well-controlled frustration.  
"Why _not_?"  
Jude hoped Max wasn't going to be as angry as Lucy had been. "'Cause, mate, I dunno how I feel. I love yer sister, but I keep thinkin... If I love her as much as I think I do..." Here he closed his eyes wearliy and raised a hand to rub his aching temples. "Why can't I stop thinkin about ye?"  
Max didn't dare let himself hope that this meant what he thought it meant. He kept his mouth shut. Jude wasn't done.  
"I mean, yer such a stubborn little arse, with a big 'ead and emotional problems and all this other shite, and yer sister's beautiful and smart and I came all the way back from bloody old England to be with 'er, but... Fer some reason that goddamned kiss is the only thing on me mind when I'm with 'er. I thought it was just bein guilty, but I dunno anymore. I just dunno why 'er how this all started, but I need te figure somethin out before I hurt ye anymore. Before I hurt Luce."  
He had remained silent throughout the little speech, trying not to show what he was feeling, though it was difficult to hide. The fact that Jude was genuinely considering him as an option was more than he could have hoped for, but all the things he said were true. Max was an egotistical asshole and he did have a lot of issues stemming from the war and his family and his own sexuality, and he knew that of all the people that deserved to be with someone as incredible as Jude, Max was on the bottom of the list, if he was on the list at all. He knew that Jude should choose Lucy, but he wanted the man all to himself.  
"So let me get this straight," Max said, pointing at Jude and letting a genuine, arrogant smile light up his face. "You're actually falling for me?"  
Jude let his lips crack a grin at the look on Max's face and whapped him on the chest. "Don't get too full o' yerself, ye damn rooster. I still can't fathom why, meself. After all, yer a prick."  
"Hey, I thought you said you were the prick!"  
"Aye, I'm that too."  
Max laughed a little and settled back in his seat, smile fading after a moment. Jude sobered up as well, remembering the gravity of their conversation. They both shifted their gaze to the street below. "Who am I kidding," Max whispered, but Jude heard him loud and clear. "You two are perfect for each other."  
"Max..."  
"And she's my sister. I should be looking out for her but all I can think about is taking you away."  
"Max..."  
"I mean, you two could have one of those perfect little lives together. Kids, a white wedding. What the hell can I offer you?"  
_"Max._" Their eyes met.  
"Yeah?"  
"I don' care about all that. I mean, I care, but I don' _care_. If I were te choose Lucy, it wouldn't be for the weddin or any o' that shite."  
Max wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer, but he asked the question on his mind anyway. "What would it be for, then?"  
"For 'er." Jude said simply, shrugging. "I"ve gotta decide if I love 'er enough to be with 'er, or if I love 'er enough to be without you."  
"Jude," Max started, leaning forward a bit in his chair. "Jude, can I--" he stopped himself. He didn't have the right to ask Jude for another kiss, not while he was still technically engaged to and in love with Max's sister. Instead, he started over again. "Can I be alone now?" He asked, mentally wincing at the hurt look on Jude's face. He just couldn't torture himself or his friend with this cat-and-mouse, back-and-forth, love-me-love-me-not relationship.  
Jude stood, nodding and looking toward the door. "I s'pose Prudence'll be back in a tic anyways." It was really just an excuse to leave.  
With a nod, Max also stood. Neither of them moved for a few moments.  
"Are ye gonna be commin back to live with us?" Jude asked cautiously, not meeting Max's eyes.  
"Naw, man, you know I can't live there when you two are all--"  
"Yeah, Yeah, Sorry, Max."  
"No, don't apologize."  
More silence but for the slow steady ticking of a clock somewhere, and Jude turned to his friend, looking him fully in the eyes for the first time that day. "Max--"  
He waited for Jude to finish, eyes searching his friend's face, but the words never came. Instead, Jude grabbed a fistful of Max's still-damp hair and pulled him close. Their teeth hit together with the force of the kiss, but neither of them seemed to notice or care. Their mouths were searching and desperately seeking for some sort of answer, as though their troubles could be solved if they could bridge the distance between their bodies. The taste of Jude's tongue was intoxicating, and Max found himself gripping the front of Jude's shirt, letting his fingers tighten around the fabric. He needed that contact to keep him grounded in reality. Otherwise, he might believe he was dreaming.  
When they finally pulled away from each other, neither had the courage to see the other's expression. They each took a step back and let an awkward silence overtake them. Jude looked down and muttered a goodbye, and Max kept his eyes fixed on a spot on Jude's shirt.  
The door closed, the dream ended, and Max was left standing in the middle of Prudence's near-empty apartment with bruised-red lips and a heart-wrenching feeling of guilt and loneliness. Nothing had been resolved. He had perhaps escalated to the status of Jude's paramour, but that was still all he was. He felt very, very tired all of a sudden and with a deep, dramatic sigh, he collapsed back into one of those plastic chairs.  
The street below was busy and full, but he could still make out Jude's figure striding quickly away, moving against the current back to the home he shared with the woman he loved. The thought made Max sick inside, but he couldn't bring himself to stop watching until Jude was completely out of sight.


	5. This Isn't Working

**A/N: Okay, so this chapter gave me no end of trouble. I don't like writing Lucy and Jude together cause then I have to write fluffy hetero stuff, and hetero stuff makes me sick. I know that this chapter is kinda boring, and I'm sorry, but this is where the exposition is finished. The characters are introduced. We know their feelings and their personalities. We know how they interact, and now we can see where they take themselves. I really have no idea how I'm going to end this fic lol! So shit starts hitting the fan in the next chapter! w00t! Oh and I need a fan-vote, though I think I only have three fans lol! Should I write a sex scene? (Not with Jude and Lucy (ew) but with Max and Jude when/if it gets to that point?) I'm not uncomfortable writing sex scenes, but I'll only do it if it's what people want, and I'm going to do it very tastefully. (I hope lol) Anyways, THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEWS AND FAVORITES!! If you added my story to your alert list but didn't review, please do! I like hearing from y'all! It cheers me up when I'm blue. Well, back to the story, kids!**

The door creaked loudly, announcing his presence in the little apartment. The windows were open, letting a breeze blow fast through the room, accompanied by the sounds of honking and sirens from outside. Jude was glad to be back in New York, but he felt as though he had done nothing but the wrong things since he got here. He wanted to redeem himself, and he would start by explaining things to Lucy, fixing things with Lucy. He hoped he wouldn't have to break her heart after that. He stepped through the door and closed it behind him, glancing at the clock and wondering where she was. It was midday. She should have been home. "Lucy?" He called quietly.  
He heard a thump and a curse from the bedroom, followed by a sniffle. "Back already?" was her delayed response. He pushed open the bedroom door, witnessing his bride-to-be picking up the lamp from the floor and wiping tears from her face.  
"I knocked the damn thing over. You surprised me," she faked a smile and righted the lamp on the bedside table.  
"Luce..." his voice was soft and soothing, as he watched her smooth out her shirt, trying to look much more put-together than she was.  
"I'm okay, Jude, really." she didn't look it.  
"Listen, Lucy, I can't make ye feel better if I don' know what's wrong."  
She looked away from him, tugging nervously on her sleeves as she sat on the edge of the bed. It was disconcerting seeing her like this. He sat beside her, beginning to rub her back in slow circles. "You can't make me feel better at all."  
"Now ye don' know that."  
She looked at him closely, red-rimmed eyes holding only worry. "No, Jude. I think I do, but if you want to pretend to fix this, go right ahead."  
"Fix what?" It was probably a stupid question, but he didn't know what else to say. He wasn't used to being the bad guy, but this time he was.  
"You went to find Max, didn't you?" she said accusingly, though she tried to keep her tone neutral. "That's where you've been all morning?"  
He nodded, finding no reason to lie. "Well, o' course. I'm worried about him. He's me friend."  
With a bark of hollow laughter, Lucy held back another tear. "Oh, is that all? And do you kiss all your friends? Jo-Jo? Prudence?"  
He laughed a little at this comment, earning a glare from his girl. "C'mon Luce, Prue wouldn't kiss me if I wanted 'er to. Now Jo-jo's another story. All the crushed velvet's been makin me wonder." He was trying to make this funny, but she wasn't laughing.  
"My God, Take me seriously for once, Jude."  
He sobered up, realizing that he wasn't with Max. With Lucy, serious time was serious time. There was no room for a joke or a giggle. She was very different from her brother. Jude stopped his thoughts, catching himself thinking about Max again. This moment was about Lucy. He concentrated now on _Lucy_.  
"I don' understand why we can't just forget this happened. Go back te the way things were."  
"It's not that easy. I want to too, believe me, I do." She stood, raking her hand through her hair agitatedly, "but I can't even look at you without thinking about the two of you together... It's making me sick, Jude. Physically _sick_. Everything's just... so wrong right now."  
Jude was trying not to get angry, really he was, but she was hitting all his buttons. The words "sick" and "wrong" had been eating at him anyway, but she had to bring them into the open. He ached to make this better. "Luce, it was just a kiss! And 'ell, ye've had yer fair share o' them." His eyes bored into her and she turned to him, face stony and cold.  
"If you're talking about Paco..."  
"Who else would I be bloody _talkin_ about!?" Jude jumped to his feet, working himself into a righteous rage. He well knew that Lucy had slept with that idiotic revolutionary. He knew that she was spouting hypocritical bullshit at him, and it made him so goddamned mad. "Ye couldn't keep yer hands off the damn shagger!"  
"Jesus, Jude!" She tried to keep her voice low, but she was dying to scream at him. "this is completely different!"  
"Are ye kidding!? Wha, is it cause he's a man? Why should that make any bloody difference!?"  
"It's because he's my _brother_!" She wilted again collapsing onto the edge of the bed and holding her head in her hands, but Jude wasn't done. He wasn't near done. He began to pace back and forth, gesticulating wildly.  
"Ye've gotta hear this, Lucy, alright? Ye've gotta understand that I knew everything ye did with that womanizin bastard and I still stuck with ye. I knew ye slept with 'im, I knew ye left me for 'im, and I still didn't bloody let go of 'ye. Now yer sayin that one kiss is worth lettin' all this die?"  
He usually didn't like making Lucy cry, but he took pleasure in the tears she shed now. She deserved to cry for all she had done. "It's my _brother_, Jude... Why did you have to cheat on me with Max? Of all people, with Max."  
"Because, Lucy," he had been pacing, but he sat beside her now, voice softer. "Because yer brother's a damn good man. He's incredible, and I know ye know it. And he loves me, and I know ye know that too. When ye think about it, it's not that unexpected." She glared, not at him, but at his words. They weren't what she wanted to hear. "That's why I kissed 'im, Luce."  
Her next words were a long time coming, but he knew she was going to ask. She couldn't live without knowing the answer. "Would you... would you ever leave me for him?"  
Pause.  
"Do ye think I would?" This was the only tactic he had left. Ask her the questions; avoid answering any thrown at him.  
"I.." she nearly whispered, and Jude stared, wanting to know what was in her head. "I think you would. I really do." He was still angry with her, but ready to hear what she had to say. She smiled at him sadly and tucked a lock of blonde behind her ear, eyes swimming again. Finally she choked out. "Who am I kidding? You're perfect for each other."  
Jude paled, recognizing that statement, recognizing the sad, defeated way it was delivered. That was exactly what Max had said. for once, he saw the uncanny resemblance between brother and sister and was overcome with a wave of love, deep love, for both. "Lucy..."  
"Max is hotheaded. He's an absolute dunce, but he's so kind when he wants to be. He's wild, and you're the only person who can balance him out, calm him down. He's been your friend longer than I've known you; he's stuck with you. He's the one who got you to come home... I mean... Where do I even figure in? You're... You're perfect for each other."  
"Lucy, please..."  
"No, Jude. Just listen to me. I don't want to give you up, and especially not to my brother, but I can tell that this..." she reached over the small space between them and grasped his hand, taking a shuddering breath. "This, right here, is not what you want."  
"No one said I wanted Max, though".  
"No one had to." She shrugged listlessly, letting go of his hand and staring at the wall in front of them. "You're so comfortable with him, so carefree and naturally loving. With me... Jude, sometimes it's like your forcing it too much. I just don't understand..."  
He took in a deep breath, wishing he could express all he felt. "I love ye Lucy, but for some reason I can't get Max outta me head. I don't want te love him. I want te love you, I want te be with you, so why..."  
She curled into herself, bringing her feet onto the mattress and burying her face in her knees, shoulders shaking with tears. "You've got to fucking decide, Jude." she whispered. "Because this is not working."  
"Is there any way..." he paused, rubbing his forhead. "Is there any way we can work it out, so no one gets hurt?" She shook her head and he slumped, resting his elbows on his knees and staring at the splintery wooden floor. "I really do want te be with ye, Lucy."  
"Then you should start acting like it."


	6. It's About Time

**A/N: Whew... Okay I'm having problems with this fic. This part was originally going to be a LOT longer, but I chopped the second half off so I can work on it more. I've written three different outcomes of this situation and I'm not happy with any of them yet. Grrrrr. Sorry, this chapter might not be that exciting, then again, it might... I dunno. I've read it over so many times it just sounds sooo boring to me right now lol! Okay, well, the next installment should be up sometime this week if I can just figure out a damn thing that works. I'm either going to have this fic end in the next few chapters, or it'll be going on for a while yet... We're gonna find out though, huh?  
Well thank you to my reviewers and favoriters and all that fun stuff!! You guys are the reason I'm writing this! Love and Hugs for alllllll!!**

"It's just not FUCKING fair, you know? He comes in here all wanting to make amends and he just makes me MORE mad!"  
"Max, calm down."  
He was pacing. He was shouting. He knew this wasn't the time or the place, but Prudence was the only person he could talk to about it now. She sat at the little plastic table in her little plastic chair, watching him move back and forth with a saddened look on her face. He ignored her.  
"He's just dangling himself in front of me and I know it's hopeless but I keep reaching for him and I'm just so fucking sick of all his bullshit! I need to get out of this place."  
"Okay," Prudence said calmly, standing and walking over to Max. She put her hands on his shoulders, looking him straight in the eyes. "Let's just go on a little walk or something, okay?" she tried to smile but the look on his face made her worried.  
"No, Prue, it's not like that. I mean I need to get out of New York, away from Jude, somewhere where I can't see him anymore. It's killing me, Prue. Every day with him so close..."  
"That's not the answer, Max, and you know it."  
He looked down, ashamed. He just wanted to run away, but he was glad he had someone like Prudence to stop him making even more mistakes. Without words, he simply nodded, anger dissipating. "I just... how can I do this? How can I make it work?"  
"I don't know. I really don't." she moved closer and hugged him tightly. "But you have to."  
Just as he wrapped his arms around her and began to calm down, he heard the front door open. "I'm home!" Rita's voice rang through the little apartment, and Prudence let go of Max with a look of apology before running to the door with a grin on her face.  
Max watched Prudence and her girlfriend enter the kitchen, holding hands and smiling at each other as though nothing in the world mattered more. Rita caught a glimpse of him and raised her eyebrows. "Max?"  
"Oh, sorry, sweetie. Max needed a place to crash and I said he could stay here for a little bit. Is that okay?" Prue looked at her with those puppy eyes that always got Max, and her girlfriend shrugged and smiled, gripping Prudence's hand tighter as though she would do anything her lover asked.  
"I don't mind." Rita leaned down and the two kissed softly, earning envious glances from Max. How was it that these two women could find such strong love in one another? How was it that the one person he loved couldn't hold his hand like that?  
"I need to get some air," he said quietly, pushing past the happy couple. His heart was heavy as he closed the door and descended the stairs and he knew he couldn't stay with them for very long. There was nowhere he could go without thinking of Jude.

For a week, things remained stagnant, at least on Max's end. He slept on Prudence's ratty old couch, forced to listen to her and Rita's happiness every day. He drove his taxi around town, trying not to associate each New York street-corner with the man he loved. He didn't hear from Jude or Lucy, but he heard from everyone else that something wasn't right with the couple. Max tried not to allow himself to be happy at the news, but it was harder than he thought it would be. He hoped Jude thought about him when he was lying next to Lucy in their cold bed. Max hated himself for this.  
Prudence and Rita saw him wilting a little every day, and he noticed their worried glances at each other. He hated their pity.

For a week, things were crazy, at least on Jude's end. Lucy would barely speak to him and every moment in that apartment was driving him insane. He missed Max more than he thought he could, but he told himself every day that it was just because Max was his best friend. Lucy noticed how preoccupied he was, and attributed the matter to Jude's alleged infidelity. It was ridiculous to think that Jude would cheat on her with Max... really, but that stupid little voice in his head wouldn't leave him alone, and he couldn't understand why he wasn't happy. He just wanted to see Max again, but he stopped himself from going to Prudence's place, stopped himself from giving in. He thought that if he could just live like he used to with Lucy, things would be fine, but she didn't seem to agree. She was convinced that Jude was going to choose Max, and the more Jude thought about it, the longer he spent with the woman he was supposed to love, the more he began to believe he should.

For a week, Lucy didn't sleep. She dreamed about Jude, dreamed about Max, but it was much worse when she dreamed about both of them. The thought that Jude might leave her was causing her to stop eating, stop breathing. The thought of losing the man she loved to her brother ate away at her, and she could barely stand to look at her fiancee anymore. Sometimes she caught herself thinking it would be better if Jude left. He and Max could be happy together, and she knew it, and she knew that she could get over Jude if he decided that he didn't love her. But this waiting, this constant worry, was killing her. He had to make up his mind. She had a feeling he would find the right path if he just thought about what _he_ wanted.

He stood outside the painted green door to Prudence's apartment, knowing that he shouldn't be here. Lucy was at work, and Jude thought he would get some drawing done while she was gone, but when the only figure that appeared from the smears of charcoal was the figure of his best friend, he knew that in order to get Max off his mind, he had to see him. Maybe he was just looking for an excuse. Rita had told him that Max rarely left the house, and Jude knew that somewhere behind that damn green door, his friend was sulking. They were quite a pair, these two.  
Jude sighed, having half a mind to just turn around, but he couldn't do that to himself now that he was here. He was shaking, nervous and scared at what he might do when he saw Max again. He couldn't lie to himself.  
A part of him truly, deeply loved Max, and that part was screaming at him to knock on the damn door.  
He did, and the silence that followed wasn't encouraging. No sound of footsteps, no words made their way to his ears. He waited, then knocked again.  
"Prudence isn't here," A voice called from inside, and Jude's heart leaped into his throat when he recognized the voice.  
"I ain't here for Prudence, mate"  
There was a pause, then some tentative footsteps, then the voice was much closer. "Rita's not here either."  
Jude chuckled. "I ain't here for Rita, ye big goof."  
"I know, man," the door opened, "but I figured it was a bit too much to hope you were here for me."  
Max looked like hell. He was shaved, at least, and smiling, but his eyes were circled by dark rings of lost sleep, and he looked too thin under his baggy clothes.  
"Isn't that Lucy's shirt?" Jude asked with a raised eyebrow.  
"Maybe," Max said, stepping aside and allowing Jude to walk in. He did, and heard the door close behind him. For the first time in a week, Jude felt his heart lighten, felt happiness overtake him, and though he tried to squash the feelings under his feet, he realized that Max's simple presence was doing this to him.  
Jude knew what being in love felt like, and this giddy, unbridled joy was a pretty damn good indication. He watched Max closely, trying to get a grip on his own feelings long enough to decide what to say to his friend now that he was here.  
"Sorry, I'm not a more welcoming host, but Prue and Rita don't have much food or anything." Max scratched his head, trying not to look at Jude, wondering why he was here.  
"S'alright, Max," Jude said, and it really was all right. Everything seemed all right right now, and Jude just couldn't figure out why. He strode into the tiny living room and looked around. Prudence didn't own a TV or any sort of decoration. The room's soul focus point was a small brown couch with a sheet and a pillow thrown on top. Jude assumed from the level of disarray and the crooked cushions that this was where Max was sleeping these days. "It doesn't seem very... erm... comfortable," he said, turning around to look at his friend, noticing the perplexed and saddened frown on his face. His eyebrows knit together and, genuinely worried, he said, "Are ye okay, Max?"  
Max shrugged, moving past Jude to sit on the couch. "Yeah, I'm peachy. Just a little tired."  
"That's a shit excuse, ye dolt." Jude plopped down beside him, tossing the pillow out of the way. "Listen, I've--"  
"Seriously, Jude, don't." Max rolled his eyes, looking away. The couch was small, so Jude was sitting way too close for Max's comfort level. There was a long moment of silence. "Why are you here?"  
Jude stared at him, and though Max wasn't looking, he could feel the Brit's deep brown eyes watching his every move. "Well, I've been thinkin about ye."  
"And let me guess, You've been thinking that you want to keep trying to make things work with Lucy, right? Because we can always be 'best mates' and you love us both so much and blah, blah, blah..." Max knew the speech already.They'd had this conversation twice. Jude's answer, however, threw him off.  
"Ye don' get it, Max. I've been thinkin about ye all the damn time. I can't even concentrate on Lucy anymore." Max stared at him, not daring to hope. "I keep tryin te make things work. I've been tryin bloody 'ard, but she's makin everything so difficult." Jude sighed and looked at the ceiling, shrugging his shoulders. "I'm not 'appy in that damn flat anymore. She doesn't give me that stupid giddy feelin like she used te." Max was trying hard not to smile. He couldn't believe his ears. "And for whatever bloody reason," here, Jude looked over at him, eyes full of so much unvoiced emotion. "I only feel all that with you." Max was practically dying, holding in his joy, but Jude wasn't done. He had more to say, and by the look on his face, Max was afraid he might not like it. "But... but at the same time--"  
"No." Max wasn't sure if he had said it aloud or not until Jude stopped speaking and looked at him concernedly.  
"Wha?"  
"I said, no," his voice was strong and clear. He knew he was in the right. "You are not allowed to tell me everything I want to hear and then add a 'but' to it. I don't think it's fair." he crossed his arms as though he had the last word in the matter.  
"But-"  
"Ah!" Max held up a finger to silence him, "I said no buts."  
"Ye can't just--"  
"I can too!"  
Silence.  
Jude was somewhere between extreme annoyance and extreme adoration, and he was having a hard time choosing which one to go with. "Max... I don't understand ye sometimes."  
"That's a lie," Max said, sitting back in his seat and sinking into the low couch. "You understand me better than anyone, and you know it." He smiled, eyes alight with something Jude hadn't seen since he had come home. There was silence for a moment. "And you totally want to kiss me right now."  
Jude couldn't deny that Max was more observant than he gave him credit for sometimes. "Okay, ye arrogant little arse, ye win this time." He shifted a little bit closer and planted a soft, chaste kiss on Max's lips, taken aback at how natural it felt. "I've gotta figure out what to do with ye," he whispered, breath mingling with Max's.  
"I can think of a few things," his friend replied, fisting a hand in Jude's hair and bringing him back for another, though this one was anything but chaste. For a moment, their lips were sealed together, blissfully together, and in that moment neither one could think of anything they wanted more.  
But dreams always end.  
They heard the creak of the door opening, heard the voices making their way closer.  
"I know talking to Jude isn't helping anything, but try talking to your brother about the whole situation. I'm sure Max would want to work things out too."  
"I don't think so, Prudence. I mean, we're kind of rivals now. He probably hates me or someth--"  
The women paused as they entered the living room. Max and Jude had broken apart like they were burned a moment before, but it wasn't hard to see what had been going on. Neither one could bring himself to look at the girls, or at each other. There was guilt written on their faces.


	7. Choices

**A/N: So, this sounds like it could be the last chapter, but it's not. No worries! OMG, I have to thank you guys soooooooo much!! The comments and favorites are really special to me. I mean, every time I have a shitty day or feel like a shitty writer, I just have to check my reviews and everything feels better. You're the best fans ever. XD  
And I think there are eight of you now!! I have EIGHT people reading this fic! OMG! That is amazing to me. I wuv you guys. big group hug Okay, enough sappy stuff XD, lets get to the story again! HEARTS AND LOVE!**

"Are you kidding me?" Lucy's lips tightened and her hands curled into fists. "Are you _kidding_ me?!" She seemed as though she was going to run off or slap Jude in the face, but she ended up doing neither, stuck between the two actions, frozen.  
Prudence's face was shocked, scared, and sorry, and she stood behind Lucy, biting her lower lip, looking from one man to the other. No one was speaking.  
They all heard the ticking of a clock like a time bomb, and it was easy to tell that they thought Lucy was going to be the one to blow. They were right. "Why couldn't you just TELL me, Jude?"  
"Lucy," Jude stood slowly, treating his fiancee like she was a wild animal, ready to bite his hand at any moment.  
"NO. Don't you dare 'Lucy' me." The claws were out. "All this time you've been pretending! Dragging me along, saying you loved me when you were really... Oh _god_." She put a hand to her forehead, trying to comprehend the gravity of the situation as she began to tear up.  
"I wasn't pretendin, Luce. I do love ye."  
Max looked down, swallowing the words he wanted to say. Prudence was the only one who saw. She sidled slowly out of the room, but no one noticed.  
"Then why the _hell,_ Jude, are you kissing him _again_? What, can't go a few weeks without sex? I don't put out, so you turn to my fucking BROTHER?!"  
"That's not how it is."  
"Then _please_, enlighten me! Why do you keep running back to Max!?"  
Jude looked down, opened his mouth, then closed it again. Max looked at him closely, but Jude didn't say a word.  
"Jesus Christ, Jude." Max's voice was an exasperated whisper, and with a sigh, he stood. "You can be such a coward sometimes." Lucy and Jude both stared at him and he went on, resting a hand on Jude's shoulder and looking at his sister. "Maybe we should talk, Luce. 'Cause you're about to rip off Jude's face, and we both know he's too pretty for that."  
Lucy wasn't done being angry, not by a long shot. "Oh, shut up, Max. If we're going to talk, we're going to talk with Jude. He needs to make up his mind and you know it just as well as I do." She looked over at Jude, witnessing the guilty, worried look on his face. "You told me," she began slowly, "that you didn't want to hurt either of us. Well, look now, Jude. I'm in tears and Max looks like hell."  
"Love you too, sis."  
She shot him a withering glare and Max forced down a smile. He was acting like a little kid. Jude wished he could feel just as lighthearted about the situation. Lucy went on. "So you're going to hurt one of us really badly, and we both know it, but you're going to have to do it right now. I'm sick of waiting, and I know Max feels the same damn way."  
Jude shook his head, going crazy with the level of tension in the room. "It's not that easy, Luce."  
"Well, it should be! Tell us who you choose before I break it off myself." She tore her eyes from her fiancee and shifted to Max, who was shuffling his feet and looking nonchalantly at the floor. "Shouldn't you be worried right now?" She snapped, genuinely irritated.  
Max looked up as though he had just noticed her, and his eyes shifted to Jude, who was sweating under the pressure. "No." he said simply and shrugged. "I"m not worried at all." He ran a hand through his hair and went on, tired of the back-and-forth games they were all playing, He had to set things straight (in a manner of speaking) and it looked like Jude wasn't going to be helping him. "Luce, I don't know if you're gonna get this or not, but I'm about to tell you something you might not want to hear." He paused for dramatic effect, enjoying the eyes in the room fixed on him, enjoying the spotlight like he used to. Something about Jude's confession and kiss had rejuvenated him. Something had brought back the Max he used to be, and his heart was light, because he knew something his sister didn't. "Just now, before you and Prudence rudely interrupted, Jude kissed me."  
"I'm aware of that, Max," Lucy snarled, but Max didn't pay attention to her. He was watching Jude's face go red with embarrassment. Smiling lovingly at the man, Max began to explain himself, steadily and slowly, for once the only level head in the room. He looked to Lucy when he spoke.  
"See, I don't think you know what you walked in on, really! I mean, Jude _kissed_ me like I've _never_ seen him kiss you. I thought, when I told Jude to come back to New York, that I would be giving him up for good, that you two would have a great life together and I would be fine as long as the happy couple stayed together. I thought that you were everything Jude wanted, and I was going to give him to you." He laughed hollowly, shrugging and holding out his hands. "I thought... I didn't have a goddamn chance." Max's smile faded. "But before you came in, Jude told me that he was happy with me. We were laughing, Lucy. Have you ever heard of it? Laughing? Something Jude tells me he does very little of in your majesty's presence. I used to think that given the choice, he would take you in a moment, but after he kissed me like that... Lucy, I know he loves me. So even if right now, he says that he chooses you, if he agrees never to be alone with me again or whatever stupid fucking conditions you saddle him with, I know beyond a shadow of a DOUBT, that it's a lie. That, my dear sister, is confidence you can't imagine." It seemed as though minutes passed, and Max's grin reappeared on his face. "So, no. I'm not worried."  
That last little comment is what Lucy needed to snap herself back into action. "I..." Though it would have helped if she had any idea what to say. "Is that true?"  
Max turned to Jude, knowing that this was the real moment of truth. Jude had to take matters into his own hands now, and Max was certain he would do the right thing. The Brit took in a deep, heavy breath, finally ready to say what he felt, finally strengthened by the strength of the man beside him. "Yeah, Luce. It's true." Her eyes welled with tears again, and Jude began to explain himself calmly. "I love ye a lot, but we don' belong together. It doesn' feel right, bein with ye anymore. It doesn' feel ... I don'... " He tried to find the words, but started over, a small, sad smile taking his lips. "When I'm with Max, everythin feels right. Everythin's warm and I fell like I could be with 'im forever. Let's face it, Luce. We can barely stay in the same room for more'n five minutes these days. Let alone a lifetime."  
In the brief moment when no one spoke, they all heard a sniffle and a choke of tears from where Prudence was hiding in the hallway, scared to come in and ruin the moment. It was too late though, the silence was broken, and Lucy was the one to speak next. "So... So that's it, then?"  
"Aye."  
"Even though he's my brother."  
"Aye."  
"And even though you're both... both men?"  
"Aye."  
"You know people might not understand. They might even try to... to hurt you. You know that, don't you?"  
"Aye, Luce, but I'm choosin Max no matter what they think. A lot o' people might not like it, but I hope ye can accept it, at least."  
"I need..." She turned, lip trembling with her held-in sobs, hands shaking. "I need to get out of here." Making good on her words, Lucy moved quickly out of the little apartment, slamming the door behind her. Prudence reappeared in the doorway a second later, eyes teary with a small, proud grin touching her lips.  
"I'm gonna go find Lucy... talk to her a bit... but, I want you both to know..." Here, more tears began to roll down her cheeks, and she ran forward, wrapping her arms around them both, bringing them down in a fierce hug. They looked at each other over her shoulders. "I want you both to know how happy I am for you." Then she was off, chasing after Lucy out the door.  
This left the two men alone again, and Jude immediately felt a weight lifted from his shoulders. He felt like he could breathe again and he nearly laughed with the joy of such relief. He looked at Max, sure for once that he had made the right decision. "Max... Ye really saved me."  
Max shrugged and stepped a bit closer, trying not to sound too cocky when he said, "I would think you'd be used to it by now. I'm always covering for your stupid ass."  
Jude didn't even pay attention to the good-natured insult. All he cared about right now was kissing that arrogant little grin off of Max's face. So he did, resting his hands on his friend's--no, his lover's shoulders and pulling him in close. Max wrapped his arms around Jude's waist and they stood like that, lips interlocking, for a long time. Finally, everything felt right, and though Jude knew there would be hell to pay when they told their friends, when they talked to Lucy, when they tried to get their lives going again, he wasn't scared.


	8. It started like this

**A/N: IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ THIS: Okay, so this is a little pre-story story, if that makes sense. It's just a little vignette from when Max and Jude first moved to New York. Okay! That wasn't really the important part. I need y'all to tell me how long you want this story to go on, cause I have enough plot ideas to fill about seven more chapters, give or take, and I dunno if y'all are willing to read that much (lol) but yeah, I can write it so it ends in the next two chapters or so, or I could go on with this longer storyline I've got in my head. (Don't think it's over now that they're together. Every couple has their hardships Evil laughter) So if you would be so kind, please let me know in a review or a message! I'd love to hear your thoughts! You guys rock my world! Please enjoy the angsty-max fluff! **

It was beautiful.  
The sky was as blue as a New York sky could get, and though there were clouds floating through the atmosphere, they weren't stormy or imposing. They were the clouds in which Max used to find shapes when he was a kid, and nostalgia gripped his heart at the sight. That wasn't the only thing that made this day perfect, though. The sound of waves lapping the dock and the rocks, the feeling of a cool breeze blowing through his tangled hair, the sunlight staining every inch of exposed skin golden, and of course, _Jude_. The two were sitting in the warmth, enjoying their new home, watching the clouds and the fish swimming beside the little wrecked rowboat. They hadn't spoken in a long time, but they didn't need to.  
Jude was Max's best friend. The guys he golfed with and drank with in college hadn't even come close to sharing the bond that he and Jude had, and Max didn't know what he'd done without someone like Jude his whole life. He looked over at his friend now, who had his eyes closed and was leaning back on his hands as the light bathed him.  
Max had tried not to think of Jude as attractive since they'd met, but right now he thought Jude was more beautiful than the sky hanging above them. A warm, soft emotion flowed through his lungs with the next breath he took and he let it out in a contented sigh, happy now just to be beside this man, happy now just to call him 'friend.' Jude glanced over at him and smiled that radiant smile that Max had gotten so used to.  
"It's great," Jude said, stretching and brushing the gravel from his hands. "New York's a lot nicer'n Liverpool, Max."  
"Well I could've told you that." He tore his eyes from Jude and stared at the skyline, the high buildings, the Statue of Liberty.  
Jude laughed, "How would ye know if ye've never even been to Liverpool?"  
"Don't have to, man. New York's better than anywhere."  
"Aye."  
Now Jude was staring into the distance too, gripping the side of their little embankment and leaning forward, breathing in the salty and polluted air. Max let his eyes wander to Jude's hand, just inches away from his own, and he flushed slightly, afraid at the thought that crossed his mind. He'd never wanted to hold anyone's hand before, but just now...  
He stood, converse sneakers grating on the gravel under his feet, stepping away from the edge.  
"Oi, Max, What're ye doin?"  
"Getting up," He said shortly. "My ass is falling asleep."  
Jude looked a little peeved, but said nothing else about the matter. "Are ye ready to go then? I mean, we'll 'ave plenty o' time te come 'ere again now that we live 'ere."  
"I... Yeah, sure. Lets go."  
Jude stood, cracking his back and giving the horizon one last look as if saying goodbye. He then turned to his friend with a grin and draped his arm around Max's shoulders. He didn't notice the uncomfortable way Max shrank from the touch, or the confusion in his eyes. All Jude cared about was being close to his best friend, even without the New York skyline to keep them company.  
"Do ye want te go back there tomorrow?" Jude said, breaking the silence.  
Max shrugged, effectively dislodging Jude's arm from his shoulders. "Maybe."  
Jude raised his eyebrows at Max's offhand comment, perplexed at the sudden change in emotion. "What's wrong, Max? Ye were just fine a minute ago."  
Max forced a smile and shook his head as if it were nothing. "Don't worry about it. I'm just not feeling too hot."  
Jude's look of confusion was replaced with one of sympathy and he looked away from Max. "Well lets get ye home then, eh?" Max nodded and after a second, Jude spoke again, faking a little laugh. "For a second, I thought ye were mad at me."  
_No, Jude,_ Max thought, heart clenching at the thought, _Nowhere close to mad at you_.


	9. Together

**A/N: FINALLLLYYYY. This chapter is the epitome of shit. This chapter is the worst pile of cow dung I have ever cranked out, but it's a new chapter. Okay, so new story arc! Yay! Gasp for soap-opera-esque problems. I've been watching waaayyy too much "As The World Turns"  
ANYWAYS, thanks, guys, for sticking with me this far! And if you're new to the whole thing, then WELCOME! I think I've got like... two new readers? AWESOME! You know who you are. Give yourselves a hug. So yeah, you guys are why I write, so keep reviewing!! Each time someone writes a review, I get more motivation to finish the next chapter. Lol! So yeah, hopefully it won't be long before you find out what happens! Love and hugs and joy to all!! **

He didn't mean to mope. Honestly, Max had tried really hard to act as excited as Jude was about their new apartment. He had tried to smile just as widely, to laugh just as loudly, and to stare out the window at the cityscape with just as much awe as Jude did, but he couldn't bring himself to.  
He felt like a royal asshole.  
Max couldn't bring himself to feel too happy, even though so many wonderful things had happened to them. He and Jude had come out to their friends a week ago, and though they had expected unwelcome responses, everyone had reacted pretty well. True to Prudence's word, she hadn't gossiped about their situation in the slightest. Every face of every friend was shocked when the boys came out with the truth. They all wondered how two seemingly-straight boys that they thought they knew quite well had suddenly fallen in love, but they didn't know what had been going on under the surface the whole time. Still, they said they were cool with it so long as Lucy was going to be okay. Prudence assured them that she had talked things over and Lucy would be fine, but no one was certain that this was the truth. Lucy had barely shown her face around their social circle in a month, and they all missed her.  
This was the precise reason Max was currently sitting on the new hand-me-down couch, staring at the wall and wondering what he could possibly do to fix things with his sister. It had been a month since they'd spoken, a month since that day he took everything from her, and even though he knew he'd been an asshole, he wanted to prove to her that that wasn't all he was. She had grown up with him. She should know.  
He hadn't tried talking much about this to Jude, because he knew the subject was a sore one. Jude wouldn't want to be reminded of the woman he'd left for Max, and Max didn't particularly want to remind him. He knew Jude loved him, but there was always that nagging feeling that maybe Jude would change his mind and decide he didn't want this after all. Max sighed, feeling the weight of all these "what ifs". His lover didn't seem to carry the same worries, as he was currently in the kitchen, nonchalantly staring into their near-empty refrigerator.  
"Oi, Max. I think I'm gonna get some groceries," He said loudly so Max could hear.  
Max grunted, too deep in thought to award him much more of a response. Jude turned and assessed him concernedly. Max wasn't looking, but he knew the expression well enough. "Max?"  
"Sorry. Just a bit distracted."  
"Lucy?"  
All it took was a nod, and Jude was at his side in a moment. He stood for a moment before sitting beside Max on the couch and resting a hand on his knee.  
"Ye know she'll come around, Mate. Ye just gotta give 'er time."  
"Maybe we should talk to her or something."  
There was a bit of silence and Jude sighed, leaning back in his seat. "Aye, that could 'elp too."  
"I just miss her."  
"I do too, Max, but we've gotta remember that we hurt 'er pretty bad. She's gonna take a while te forgive us."  
"I just want everything now."  
"Ye big baby."  
Max smiled a little at this, resting back on Jude's shoulder.  
"Yeah. Maybe I am."  
"Ye know Prudence said Luce's been better. She's gonna get through it fine."  
Max stared up at Jude calculatingly, studying his face for any sign of doubt, but there was none. If Jude seemed this sure, then maybe he was right. Lucy couldn't stay mad at them forever. She'd come around. All that was left was for Max to convince himself of that.  
"Okay, man. I get it."  
Jude smiled a bit and leaned in for a little kiss, whispering against Max's lips, "And ye know we've got plenty te do te distract ourselves from the issues at hand."  
Max couldn't help but grin. It was true. They were a new couple, just figuring each other out, just moving into their first place together. He knew that without the problems with Lucy, they would still have more than enough to occupy their minds. Though much of it was less pleasant than Jude was making it out to be.  
Seemingly overnight, Max and Jude had become the hot couple in town. They would pass people they barely knew on the streets and receive anything from a thumbs up to a hateful glare. They didn't really mind either gesture, though they wondered how everyone in the neighborhood seemed to know. They agreed not to tell too many people yet... well, that had fallen through. Still, Max was happy when people acknowledged their relationship. It just reminded him again that it was a _real_ relationship now, though it meant they were privy to all the benefits and all the drawbacks.  
Part of their troubles centered around their new home as well. Max's only source of income was his taxi driving, and the salary wasn't very desirable. Still it was more than Jude made. Talented artists in New York City can usually earn a pretty penny, but it takes a long time for recognition to set in. Jude's talent was boundless, but no one had quite realized that yet. He had even less money than Max.  
It's amazing, though, what a few bucks and a lot of love can do. Sure their new place was a hole-in-the wall with a broken AC and a leaky faucet, but it was their place, and the housewarming gifts they received had helped a great deal. Sadie had pitched in quite a bit with the money she was getting from record sales, meaning they now had a couch AND a bed. They were especially grateful for the latter.  
At first, Jude had been nervous about sleeping in the same bed as Max. He wasn't sure what his boyfriend was expecting, and he wasn't sure he could live up to those expectations. Well, he was proven quite wrong. The first time they made love, Max was sure he had died and gone to heaven. Every moment in Jude's arms, sweating, stretching, screaming, gripping, wincing, groaning... every moment was a culmination of everything he had hoped for and more. They had a lot to work through, but just seeing Jude smile seemed to make his greatest worries vanish. Even the crazed, scared, guilty, emotions that had surfaced from his time in Vietnam had subsided. If he had nightmares, Jude would just hold him close under their sheets and whisper softly to him. He never remembered what the damn Brit said, but it wasn't the words that comforted him, it was the breath against his ear and the warmth pressed beside him that truly made the dreams go away. Everything was exactly the way he wanted it to be.  
Well... Almost. Much as he would have liked to pretend Lucy had gotten exactly what was coming to her, he still felt awful for stealing the man she loved. He still felt obligated to make things better. Well, she wasn't about to speak to him, so he had a feeling it would be a long time before their broken bond healed. He had been angry at Lucy for so many months, years, that he should've been glad they were apart for now, but they'd grown up together, shared everything, and like it or not, she was still his little sis, such a big part of his life that her being gone had left a gaping hole. Jude had helped to fill it, but it would take much more than that.  
Too bad everything he'd worked hard to finally put right was about to fall apart once again.

It started with a knock.  
"Alright," Jude said tiredly, standing and discarding his sketchbook and charcoal. "I'm commin'." He was alone in the flat again, with Max off at work, and he wasn't in much of a mood to accept visitors. The only person he seemed to want to see anymore was Max. Any time without that clown around the house was empty, and often Jude would wonder how he had managed to get by just a month before. He thought he could be happy with Lucy, but he could never have been as happy as he was with Max.  
The knock resounded and Jude picked up his pace, "Sorry, Sorry." he said as he pulled open the door.  
Of all the faces he expected to see on the threshold, hers was the last. She had been avoiding them like lepers for a whole month, and the fact that she was on their doorstep now threw Jude for a loop.  
"Lucy?!"  
"Hi... Hi, Jude." Her small smile was fake, and painfully so. Her watery eyes suggested the tears that she had shed moments before. Her whole body exuded a sense of caution and nervousness, but damn, was Jude happy to see her.  
"What're ye doin here? Come in, come in." He stood aside and ushered her in, taking the coat that she reluctantly shed as she looked around.  
"This place is... nice."  
"Yeah, ye could say that. Ye could also say it's a bit o' a shithole, but 'ey. Beauty is in the eye o the beholder."  
"So I've noticed," Lucy said under her breath. Jude didn't catch the remark.  
"Come in and sit down, Luce." With a friendly hand on her back, he steered her toward the couch. "Wha' brings ye te this side o' town?"  
She didn't answer. She was looking around cautiously, and the way she was holding herself made her seem extremely uncomfortable. Hell, she probably was. Maybe she was hoping it would be Max here instead of Jude, or maybe she wanted to talk to both of them. Either way, it was obvious that she didn't want to be alone with Jude right now. Still, she sat down and didn't flinch when Jude sat beside her.  
"To be honest," she started, voice small and quiet. "I didn't really come to talk or anything. I just came to give you your mail. They keep delivering it to my place, but you don't... live there anymore."  
She was already laying on the guilt, and Jude felt it trying to settle on his shoulders, but he wouldn't allow himself to feel ashamed for finally following what he wanted. "Aye, well, thank ye for that." They sat in awkward silence, each staring at the wall in front of them, before Jude spoke again. "Ye could've just had Prudence deliver it. The mail, I mean."  
Lucy crossed her arms protectively over her waist. "Look, Jude, if you didn't want to see me--"  
"No! No that's not it. I just thought ye didn't want te see us. Either of us."  
Her eyes met his and she let herself smile sadly, though she wasn't going to shed any more tears over him. "I don't, really... But I figured seeing you would be the next step to getting over it."  
"Is... is it workin'?"  
She didn't respond until she stood, striding over to her coat, hanging on a hook in the hall. "No," she said simply. "Maybe I'll drop by again next month." She pulled her coat from the hook and dug around in the pocket as Jude got to his feet and followed her. "Your mail." she shoved the three sad-looking envelopes into his hands and pulled the coat on over her arms. "I should get going."  
"Lucy--"  
"No, Jude. Don't. I should _really _get going."  
"What about Max?"  
She stopped on her way to the door, and though she wasn't looking at him, Jude knew the melancholy expression that would be crossing her face. It was the same expression that he saw Max wear at mention of his sister.  
"I'll see Max around."  
"No ye won't, cause ye've been goin' outta yer way te avoid 'im."  
"I don't think I can forgive him yet. Or you for that matter." She spoke in a tone that was all at once defiant and depressed.  
"Ye don' have te forgive 'im. Just talk te him. He misses ye like crazy." Jude tried to appeal to her sisterly side, tried to tell her how much she meant to her brother, but Lucy was so mad at both of them. She was still so goddamned mad.  
"Bye, Jude." And with that, she flung the door open and slammed it shut, disappearing in a second. Jude heaved a deep breath, crumpling his mail in his hands and stalking into the kitchen. As he flung the envelopes onto the kitchen table, he grabbed the pack of cigarettes on the counter bringing them back to his perch on the couch where an unfinished cityscape stared at him from the page of his sketchbook that was laying abandoned on the floor.  
He struck a match, lit the cig, and took a long drag, pushing his sketchbook away with his foot. He once again hoped that Max would be home soon. He needed someone to talk to, but the only person he _wanted_ was Max.

Hours passed before Jude heard the sound of footsteps outside the door, the sound of Max's cursing as he fought with the lock, the blessed creak of the opening door. Jude jumped up from the couch, tossing his charcoal aside and forcing himself to walk to the door instead of run. He felt like a dog waiting for his owner to come home. "Welcome back." he said as Max entered, and the blond man smiled as he shed his coat and shoes.  
"Sorry I'm late. My boss decided he'd take another hour or so to yell at me before he let me come home." Max walked up to Jude, grabbing the collar of his shirt and tugging him down for a kiss. Jude smiled against his lips, wrapping his arms around his lover protectively.  
"What on earth did 'e yell at ye about?" Jude asked as his hands drew little patterns on Max's back.  
"Hell if I know. You think I pay attention to that imbecile?" Max leaned into the touch, hardly even thinking about work anymore. Jude couldn't help it, he kissed him again, this time he took as long as he wanted, lips pressing lingeringly together as he tasted Max's tongue against his own. With one hand on the back of Max's neck, he pulled the man closer, finding the nearest wall with his other hand and shoving him against it. They pulled apart for an instant to take a breath, but Max pushed him out to arm's length, smiling at his lover.  
"What's gotten into you, Judey? I'm barely in the door and you're already jumping me? I mean I'm not exactly complaining, but--"  
"It's just been a long day," Jude responded, moving Max's hand so he could step closer to him once again. "And I missed ye."  
Max laughed, giving Jude another long kiss before pushing him away and stepping past him into the kitchen. "Well we've got all night for that, but right now I'm starving."  
"I never did get around te gettin' any groceries," Jude responded rather guiltily, but Max was already distracted again. He took the last apple from their bowl of fruit, possibly the only edible things in the house, and as he took a large bite, his eyes fell upon the kitchen table.  
"What're those?" He asked around a mouthful of apple, pointing to the crumpled envelopes that Jude had discarded earlier that day.  
"Jus' mail." Jude said, taking a seat at the table and grabbing them, smoothing out the creases without really looking at them.  
"I didn't know we got mail," Max laughed, sitting across from him and placing the apple on the table. He reached out for the letters, and Jude handed them to him dutifully.  
"Actually... Lucy dropped 'em off."  
Max stopped, eyes fixed on the topmost envelope, though Jude could tell he wasn't reading it.  
"Lucy came by?"  
"Aye."  
"And she didn't want to see me?"  
"Well, Max. I don' think she wanted te see either of us."  
Max looked up from the letters to Jude, eyes locking with his. "But she did come over. Maybe that means there's hope." He could tell that Max was a little resentful that she had come to see Jude instead of him, but he hid it well.  
"Aye, maybe."  
Max seemed to want to believe she was getting ready to forgive them, so Jude went along. He didn't know if after Lucy's actions today, there was any hope at all, but he couldn't bear to make Max more sad than he already was.  
"So..." Max said, deliberately changing the subject. "Let's see what you've got." He held up the first envelope reading, "NYC electric company."  
"Great, a bill," Jude said sadly, letting his head fall on the table. "I don't 'ave the money te pay Lucy's damn bills." Max tossed the letter aside and went on to the next one.  
"NYC utilities."  
"Please, Max. Spare me."  
"Hey, Judey. This one's from Liverpool." Max held it out to him, taking another bite of his apple as his lover snatched the envelope away.  
"Aye, from me mum!" Tearing it open, Jude began to read hungrily. He'd had no news from his old home in a long time, and reading his mother's letters always filled him with a sense of nostalgia. The letter was a long one, and as Jude read, Max stood, tossing the apple core out the open window.  
"So what's it say?" He asked after a while, turning to Jude. His face fell at the look on his lover's, however. "Jude? What does it say?"  
There was a fear in Jude's eyes that Max hadn't ever seen. There was a tension and a sadness that seemed to fill the room. Jude's hands were shaking as they held the letter, and Max grew worried.  
"Jude!" The shout brought him back, and Jude's wide eyes stared at Max for a second.  
"I think... I think I've got te get te Liverpool," Jude said, and Max took his seat again, grabbing the letter from Jude's weak hands and skimming the contents.  
Jude stared at the wall, unaware that Max had reached across the table and now gripped his hand tightly. Unaware that the man he loved was worried for him. Right now, Jude was unaware of everything. His mother was going to die, and Jude had to be there.


End file.
